lovemyday

Forget it. I don’t think so. But i do have to all the time. Well that is the feeling i suffer from. Anybody from transectional analysis section if reads this. Please do tell me.
More and more of myself i find trying to defeat a parent inside me which is against logis of a adult.

I did had a good time last week. It started with me attending the breakdowns. Well it was great. It went or right at the office all the time. I kept on getting on work at the office. Repairing more and more of machines. I am growing faster in speed and logic. I can now use a spanner better and faster and effectively. Correct to tell you. I am finding tightening screws a lot better then tightening up the people.

A machine has always been a better support as it does not go in the complex logic of undone last experiences and half facts.

Tell you what, I had learned this a bit back from one of my HODs. The thing that makes us different from others is differencial thinking. Well it is a good word. I liked it then. I did not think much about it but liked it. Actually i do understand the intensity with which he had said it. Tell you more, he is correct.

What i am more concered about is- the word of the another one- it was said then than the world is getting smaller, that is flat, i am still trying to understand what he meant, but i do remember him saying that very soon it will not be corporation but will be individuals who will have a go on the things, he is a senior person, i mean it is diffucult to understand what he said. they think too fast, faster then me, but i am trying, and yes sorry for the storm yesterday. I hope things get better in your area asap. have a great day. See you all.

….Apurva

Hi,

I did had a good mood of writing today, if you wish to read it do visit
http://aday.rediffiland.com/blogs/2009/01/27/1-day-after-Republic-1.html
(The article is about India)

Its a post of being Indian. Yesterday was our republic day. The day we declared us not only independent but responsible for the land and people. I think we all have missed one thing Land and people have been seperated from nature. Who are we, I know whatever i write, there will always be a way of achieving a goal against it. Yes that is what is called as life. Everything is possible.

This week my day was a better one at the office, i had work, i had physical work, i was allowed to be on ground for all the time. If you have gone through my last post, you know i am changing now, I had dreamt of huge machines, i am with them. But why i do not have peace. I still do not understand.

I did once again went through ” i have seen the promised land”. A new feeling has arose-something is missing.
I read a book - In it shaman’s of amazon said to auther(its a non fiction book) that you have dreamt the wrong world. Change your dream. Both of these keep on shocking my head.

I mean my words, I have lost even the last peace that i had. If i am not there with the machines. I am in pain. If i am not cleaning a pump, i am in pain.

I plan to have a meeting with santa and suko, Ajenda will be- how can we coexist with land. He may say- i know only the kids, but now he is a team leader. That means, children in amazon, bolivia, chille, kenya, are also a part of his portfolio. We need that answer. I don’t think a boy living in montains and loving rock climbing needs a barbie.

I am starting to think, but i need to think in correct direction.

Apurva

It is really hard to train a technician, take my word, I tried yesterday, i tried- they slept- then they went of to work and finally i lost my mind so much- i annoyed my boss, by doing exactly what he had asked me to do in a manner that he had to do it again.

I was training my technicians for Risk accessment at sight. Actually hari was also there and i found he knew about the topic more then me, off course he is more mature then me, no doubt- but what in the world does maturity had to do with having correct sequence!! It has i could feel that yesterday, when i was speaking, they were sleeping, when he was speaking they were listening. And when everything was over i was sleepy.

I had to remain on ground yesterday, i did went with him to attend a minor breakdown. But that was it, i had to stay on ground…why??? I tried to train some guys regarding safety and made everyone sleepy. It is wierd. But it was what happened. It happened correct. But it happened.

There are always good times and bad times. day before yesterday “i was on the top of the world, one RTG PM, one Kalmar Repair, one DG repair, one elevator repair. One great lacture, one great trial a new way of PM tried, safer, better, and faster.

Yesterday!!! The planning squad was the vilion. Will somebody explain to me why did they had to take the same equipment which we wanted to do maintainence. I was angry on them till 0400hrs. But then the moment we had it back, the electrical team did a power shutdown for DG trial. Huh!

Yesterday night was torture for me. I realized my limitations. I realized that i still have to learn more from everybody.
Only good news to hit the stand was- the ceasefire in gaza strip. Heard on BBC both sides decided to pull back. Its good, it was actually importent for me, coz - today when i looked back on my day, i was a little sad and angry, but still i had one thing to thank the god for- the cease fire.

Life is wierd. frankly telling you, i am starting to feel more wierd. Mumbai marathon was finished just fine( i was not there). I love running. I decided to practive regularly.
I have already planned to win the pune marathon this year, i know 11 months is a long term commitment, but have made it. Aiming at a time of 2:10, i know i have still not been able to finish a marathon. But this is it that i am going to do.

Today Mr. Obama will be taking oath. I think its a big day for americans. But i think it is also an importent day, a man too serious about Linchon, is someone i am serious about, and if says he is going to follow on Linchon’s steps. Then let me tell you, we do are looking at a different world, one think i am dreaming too. Some of you may be understand what i mean & If you did not- don’t press your head, it was not meant for you.

I had to go to office today for some work, got to check my plant from a faraway location. Whole plant was there in front of my eyes. It is huge, i too have planned for the same. But just don’t understand, how.
Its a question!! i like my question.

…………………………….Apurva

26 makes up one marthon. 26 miles that is. Mind- the limit is in microns. Its 1512 exact match with the number. I will be walking out within minutes for a 120 minute trial.

I love my freedom to run, freedom to word on machines. I have broken the familiar borders. Its makes me alone. It has left me me out of help. I have lived a long time denying the fact. Precious time wasted. I am alone. Mentally, physically emotionally also socially.

Yesterday was a day of heavy cold. I tried to work my way through. I did it but with failures. I had to accept the silence after the failure. I kept body under restrain but brain gave away to faults. I could just not accept the regular data provided by my parents & society. Actually i have shunted it from getting processed directly. It has created a new challenge, the basic daily decisions, acts are also questioned. Since i lack the decipline, i go down the drain.

Things did not look bright to me yesterday night. It was freezing when i went up there at o400 hrs to operate the crane. I could start feeling that i have grown weaker.
And it was hurting- BADLY.

Yesterday my adult got weaker due to accessive cold and found myself helpless, parent nearly shunted, child free to decide as adult weakened and i gave away to a failure in my actions and behaviors.

The only solution that i decided on was to increase the decipline level in my daily life.
Keeping my room clean, keeping my daily schedule regularized, now immediate issue is who can i do it. I will tell you! i have tried to do it since a long time, but have always failed miserably, frankly the failures were the reason why i had to shunt my parent from functioning directly(actually i am still trying). But it feels like i need to learn the way, the decipline but still i am not giving way to the tradition ways taught to us everywhere. I look forward to new ways. Chienese and Japanese concepts have always been a great asset for nature. Indian ways where did they got lost i don’t know. But that is what i am looking way forward for.

I tried basic kung fu for some time, to decipline my body, but unfortunately the site i was reffering has reorganized itself, erasing the pages related with training.
Answers awaited….

….Apurva

Hi,

Read a little of “The bridge across forever”. A bit about- Grid theory, little about a ship which desappered back in feb, then a few lines from another book.I liked them all, they love me too, we know each other, they make be smile, loved the time. I didn’t think much about the room. I just fell to sleep( My terrace door open).

It was yesterday night. Today! well i could see the effect of open door. I woke up at 0600 Hrs. It was cold, I thought may be i am cold, may be a fever. I again fell back to sleep, only to realize i will again have to race against minutes.

Its wierd! But i can bath and get fresh within a few minutes. I did so. Its not too different from my life but the one dangerous thing that generally happens to me due to this is, i don’t get to have my morning tea. It means i will be thinking a lot, whole day on a lot many things. ( Tea is the magic potion that transits me from one life to another). I will be living two lives today whole day.

Thank to God! today is sunday, that means none of the managers will be there from any of the departments. All the cocks and dogs will at least, not be on my site. But today is last month of the day, it means minimum field work today, we are fast creatures, we work so fast that by the time month ends, we have already finished everything. Well it just means, we will be doing, paperwork. I don’t like it too much.

I was not ready to start work today. I was a little scared and not ok. The seas were more violent then yesterday. There was no sun whole day, and it was cold. i did not anticipate it, what i did not anticipate, we will not be doing any new crane maintainence, only an STP!! that means i will be repairing a couple of pumps and blowers and pipelines.
“No! you are just supposed to guide the guys”.
You go and get the readings for the day.

It meant i was now climbing over 12 monsters whole day and taking reading! Just taking readings.( Not actually! i took only 2 hrs to do the job, i had been doing it for last odd 5 months), Plus i was supposed to guide 2 more technicians for doing maintainence of engine platforms.

OK, i will do it.

I did it, but i was not in my head. I just had no head at my place. I did all that was told but i did it slow.

I felt, i should be asking for half day today.
” you are already taking one since wednesday”
“You have survived a leave longer then 2 days”
” that too when you were travelling for 1 whole day” I was laughing and little frustrated.

They were right, i find myself struggling for life among masses or at home.
Why am i so upset today? I am in a very bad mood. Not able to work.

Dada used to say-”you are lazy”
Krups -you just go back to work, don’t waste my time again.

Sla - It happens to me too.
Mukesh -You are wierd, that’s why.

I was not relieved. I wanted the day to end and go back to my room and hide. I didn’t ask for a leave.
Hari is watching. Yesterday, you misarranged the docs. Its not good you know.
Huh! I am sorry, let me correct it.
I am submerged in a squad of files correcting what i did wrong.

Then again, i am feeling bad. I just can’t work. I tried to connect to internet, bad connection.

A squad of VVIP cars starts making enterance in our plant, get a call from a fellow, come out. there are VIPs visiting.
I come out, watch a full buzz of vehicles passing me by.

Who are they!
Collector, Police officers, Navy officials, MPs, port security officers.
Inspecting now! i start grinning, a black car with a navy dress crosses over.

Militants blow up mumbai. And now they start thinking.

You are not wearing your helmet!
I am only outside cabin.
No excuse right now!
Oops? i go back and get it on. In time, last one of safety. I give a smile to parmar.
The area is silent again.

Tried to help in doing today’s Work logs. Messed it up a bit, but finished it up.
My handover had only some handshakes and i was ready to return back home.

I ask Ajay-anything new about the blasts.
Union home minister has resigned.
Sieze is over.

Bus starts moving.
Hari is not there, I say stop. Somebody said- Go.
He stops after a 50 meters or so, i find hari running for the bus.

Whats the hurry, huh?
I was at the bottom of my hearts- everyone wants to go back home.

How do you except jaydeep to work if i don’t hand him over properly.
I kick my senses up and realize that he has been frustrated due to my behavior today and yesterday, whole day. And he is hiding- how furious he is.

I settle down-tried to stop him!
Nobody listens. Bus moves over. I am on the height of depression, God! don’t declare me a failure again.

Would you like to read the news.
A smile- let’s see.

I try to switch on NDTV, connection fails with the OK button in front. 5 minutes. I try to switch on BBC. We start reading.

Can you really read so fast!
Huh! what! I am sorry. You can read it, hari. I really didn’t realize.

I am back to my room, do a little practice. Dinner. And by luck i am late! and a guy is watching “Behind Enemy lines”. Its english atleast!

I come back take presleep snacks, I think its ok to have a bad day. I need to make it good. Nigeria there are 200 dead by now. Riots are said to be over but unofficial sources say, hundreds have died.

Its thundering out in the skies. Its raining. Winds are high. I tell my ghosts. I understand you, i know i am in trouble, understand what you are suggesting. But you know what pops! Freedom. I still have it.

I decide to stay up for the night, doze to sleep.

Hi,

I generally don’t get to get online everyday. But its good, for anytime i get is worth the cost.
The effect of mumbai tragedy has subsided from newspapers. But the effect is still on.

Yesterday, I and Haribhai(My Incharge) were tackeling an accumulator. It had a huge bladder inside it which was to be filled with Nitrogen. It smells wierd. But anyways we emptied it. It was going to take about 2 hrs to complete discharge it. Thank God! a spreader brokedown on one of the machines. Well! the time went of well, moving gear, fixing deshackels, moving slings, removing older one from head block. attaching new one. Ones it was fixed and it was being tested, I just took a look at the sea. It was growing violent.

I could not wait for myself to attach myself with the net and to get the recent news on the blasts. Its really wierd, how and why people like to kill others for business. Can we not, just do some other job?

Anyways we moved back to workshop, accumulator was discharged. I looked at the parts of old one. It has a very piculiar arrangment. If you want to take out the connection in between you have to put in both your hands, hole is just 2 inches in diameter! and then turn the sleeve upside down then fold it and take it out. It works as a seal. But the valve fitted!! Its beautiful. The touching surface was point smooth. And the inner side of the whole body, marvellous. I loved looking at it and staring inside. Little emberresing for my fellow men(I had the spare with me till the shift was over!!). It was georgious.

The day at the office was over the moment i boarded the bus. I switched on the news.
Sieze was over. Stories were there on news about the Heros from NSG. BBC by now had switched over to Nigerian riots. Weather was OK, I could still get back and have a bath before dinner.

I had my dinner. It was something tasty, i over ate. Everyone around me was watching news, INdIA TV/NDTV/AAj Tak and something else. I was just thinking of my room. I cleaned it just yesterday eve and had ruined it in the morning trying to reach on time. Should i be cleaning it? I don’t know, may be not. I have never understood discipline. Others in this world do. Better men then me! What anyways are they doing. Watching news or blowing buildings?.

I just don’t know. I am tired. I will need to take my sleep. And not be late tomorrow.

I am a simple mechanic. But a mechanic who love the winds, who loves the lands and the seas. If you love a woman, it is simpler then loving the skies. But what if your love with the skies, gets mixed with your daily life. I struggle everday to understand what i am, considering every option of truth, sickness, life, daydream. Thoughts & reality I live them both. I love them both. Haunted and loved, I survive with the love for the machines and love for the god who has always smiled when i needed him, a father, a friend, a love.

Hi,

Just finised my day at office by 0800 hrs, yesterday. Heard of the attack on mumbai. I live a thousand miles away. I am still in India. Always hoped can live away from the world with my machines. Always felt, i can survive out with my machines.

Day before yesterday, again, i decided to live without a look at those clouds, without that strange look at the stars and feel of that wind. “Tears are not, what can define my sorrow.”

“There’s no hiding.”
I decided to live a long way back. I decided to be away a long back. The cost is heavy.
Yesterday, I closed my eyes, sat on my bed.
“God! I will not turn my back nomore.”

Some man are given a life, some man have to make one. I am a man, who has been given a life, and has to make one too. May the God be with us forever.There is no running, there is no hiding. I am Apurva.

Smilie with the clouds,
Smile with ‘em all.

Live with those stars,
sorrow with ‘em all.

Fate if, is it, what calls,
Let it be so.

Just don’t forget,
Life, it is, which never falls.

……………..Apurva